Church Misspeak

In light of the fact that the Christian church in America tends to develop its own insider language that others have trouble understanding; I thought this list of “Bulletin Bloopers” is both enlightening and funny.

  • Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  • The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
  • On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.
  • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
  • The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
  • If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
  • Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
  • Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
  • We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
  • A worm welcome to all who have come today.
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.
  • During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
  • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
  • Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
  • Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
  • Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
  • The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  • Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
  • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  • The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
  • The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
  • The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
  • A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
  • Today’s Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.
  • Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
  • Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
  • Ushers will eat latecomers.
  • Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
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About pastorjoehite

Senior Pastor of Valley Fellowship of Yakima
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